Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
