I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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