"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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