You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
