Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
