You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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