I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
