Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
