I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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