Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
