Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
the day after is always just damage control
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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