did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
