Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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