Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
vagina is talking i cant
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
