You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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