my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
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