I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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