Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
