I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
