Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
