It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Randomize
