so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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