come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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