feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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