At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Randomize
