I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
