Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
