So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
