Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
