the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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