If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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