You're like the curious george of whores
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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