so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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