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you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
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