cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
