apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
