he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
