I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Ladies don't puke and tell
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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