Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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