I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
