Your face is a jimmy john
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
