Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
you had me at cake vodka
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
