woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
