Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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