I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
