Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
