Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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