I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
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