Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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