Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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