we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
