my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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